Lois

In 1990, my little sister, Lois, was diagnosed with breast cancer, and went through surgery, chemo, and radiation. She relied upon the support of the Wellness Community in Newton for emotional healing. One of the free programs offered there was yoga. She would rave about how fantastic yoga made her feel, and how relaxing it was. It sounded wonderful, but at that time I was caring for a family and reentering the workforce, so yoga for me was put off indefinitely.

In 1997, Lois discovered that her cancer had metastasized. It was mostly an emotional trauma, as she continued to feel pretty well for a few years. Time passed, and I rose to be Head of Children’s Services at Gale Free Library, entered a Masters in Library Science program at Syracuse University, and continued caring for my family. I was trying to support and spend time with Lois, and did a lot of driving down to and back from Newton whenever possible.  Needless to say, I was way too busy, and quite stressed. I was also overweight, and had sore joints, rashes and headaches. I was unhappy and feeling powerless; unable to see any path to relieve my own suffering.

And then, in 2001, 9/11 happened. I was actually at Syracuse University for one of the intense weeks that started every semester, away from everyone I loved at the time. The administration cancelled classes and sent us all home. I realized on that five hour drive that family mattered more to me than anything else. It became clear that my life choices were not aligned with my priorities. Within months I had quit my job, signed up for the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program at UMass, and started attending yoga classes at Central Mass Yoga Institute.

What a gift! Taking Lucy’s class every week was such a delight. I soon began taking two classes per week, and then three. Back then, the unlimited class payment option didn’t exist, so I was spending a lot on yoga. I really wanted to become a teacher, thinking I could make money from my passion, as well as help people like Lois. However, the teacher training programs I investigated all required a three or four week intensive. With a twelve year old at home, I just couldn’t swing the commitment.

In retrospect, it was probably for the best, seeing as how Lois started spiraling downward. Her cancer went from ‘boney only’ into her liver and lungs. She needed to be hospitalized often. Around the holidays of 2002, during one crisis, she told me that if they put her on life support, her husband wouldn’t be able to tell the doctors to pull the plug. She asked me to do that for her. Although my brothers flew in, thinking it was the end, Lois did recover and make it home.

As winter of 2003 drew to a close, on a few visits I would guide Lois through some of the gentle stretching I was doing in class with Lucy. She still loved yoga  and felt benefits from the practice! Sadly, she had a bleed into her brain that left her unable to speak or walk. She died three weeks later in mid April of 2003. I was heartbroken; my only sister gone.

What was left was a deposit at Kripalu Center. Lois and I had planned to go to that healing vortex (her words) together, and had even paid for our visit. When the time had come for our program, it turned out she was too sick to be able to eat the food there. We had to cancel our trip. A few months after she died, in an unusual move, I decided to go there by myself.

While at Kripalu I practiced yoga in the gentle class every morning and afternoon. I was still so sad, thinking of how much Lois would have loved being there, and how unfair it was that her life was over. Lying in savasana on my last morning, feeling overwhelmed with sorrow, I clearly heard Lois speak to me in one of her trademark phrases, “Yeah, Baby!” I suddenly knew that she was fine, or even more than fine. She was in a state of rapture. I got up from the mat, walked down to silent breakfast in the cafeteria, and as I sat and ate, every person I saw in that space had a golden halo of light around their head. I felt a deep love for every person I saw. I knew for certain that death is nothing to fear, that after death we are blissfully happy, and in a state of complete love.

I drove home that day, and felt an unbounded love for everyone I came across. My grief over Lois’ death had melted away completely. My worry over the well-being of my depressed oldest daughter had evaporated. I was in a state of bliss.

I didn’t share what happened to me for a couple of years. I was afraid that people would think I was crazy. Instead, I finished my Master’s Program. I enrolled in Lucy’s Teacher Training Program. I began teaching my beloved Veterans.

In the summer of 2005 I returned to Kripalu for a ten day program on Teaching Yoga for Heart Disease and Cancer with Nischala Joy Devi. You see, I remembered the impact yoga had had on Lois, and felt that I could help others affected by cancer. I learned that all that is necessary for healing is a gentle movement of prana, followed by Yoga Nidra. During this program I finally told my story from my previous visit. Nischala didn’t blink an eye. She said, “You had a spiritual experience”.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. Surgery was my only treatment, and I healed from that experience with Yoga Nidra twice a day. In 2010 I returned to Kripalu and trained with Jennifer Reis to teach Divine Sleep Yoga Nidra, and now include that in many of my classes.

In the ten years since my spiritual experience I have shared my story very sparingly. I no longer see the halos, but I remember the feeling seeing them gave me, and have no fear of death. My teaching schedule has changed gradually, and I now teach every weekday morning. I find that I am able to reinforce my personal study of yoga by repeating the same theme across the course of teaching seven classes per week.  I enjoy observing the therapeutic power of yoga on my students, as well as on myself. And to complete the circle, every Thursday I volunteer at Saint Vincent Cancer & Wellness Center, teaching yoga to those affected by cancer.  Yeah, Baby!

Namaste,

Joan